Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Unless you marry your first love, you’re likely to face a break-up or two in your dating life.  Breakups can be miserable—but so can staying one more day in a relationship that is passionless, quarrelsome or stuck on a slow track to nowhere.

So how do you end a relationship so you minimize damage to both you and your partner?

1. If you still have strong feelings, satisfy yourself that you’ve done everything possible to make things work.  A good first step might be a frank conversation between the two of you about your dreams and goals, particularly if they’ve changed, and things are not running as smoothly as they did when you first met.  Consider visiting a relationship counselor together for some practical modifications you can each make.  Next, satisfy yourself that a fear of commitment is not your reason for running; do you have a pattern of wanting out when things get a little too close?  Experts say it helps to write down on paper your reasons for staying and for leaving in two columns and then really examining what you’ve written. If after plenty of soul searching you decide the cord must be cut, you’ll find that by carefully assessing your reasons for wanting out, you’ll be clearer and more articulate when you explain your feelings to your partner.

2. When it’s time to deliver the news, do so kindly and fairly.  No provoking a fight so he or she storms out first.

3. Do it sooner rather than later.  If you delay once your mind is made up, your feelings will come out in unattractive ways.  Passive-aggressive behaviors that push the other person to break up with you are, in a word, cowardly.

4. Never end a relationship in a public forum. Bringing someone to the verge of tears over a bowl of sushi is bad form. If the weather is agreeable, try meeting in a local park or suggest a walk. If it’s the dead of winter, either pile up the layers or invite your friend over to your place for a light lunch. Car rides are absolutely not an option: What you’re about to say isn’t news to you, but you can’t anticipate how your partner will react.

5. Now comes the tough part: How do you do it?  If you ever cared for this person, you owe him or her your honesty.   No below the belt shots here, and none of that ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ nonsense, unless it really is about you.

6. Explain your feelings, but don’t make it a monologue.  It is kind to allow the other person to respond.  You may even learn something.  Of course, you may also find yourself on the receiving end of anger, tears, even outrage.  And you may even start feeling guilty, particularly if you didn’t take the first steps to examine your reasons for wanting out. But if you’ve satisfied yourself that this is the only way, stick to your guns. Irony of ironies, you may find your partner agreeing that it isn’t working for them, either! 

My neighbor, George, dated a wonderful woman named Melissa a while back. In their final few months together, Melissa received full custody of her two little girls, ages 4 and 6.  George, on the other hand, had a son in college and was finished with active parenting duties. Suddenly, every weekend and weeknight included her girls, and George found himself on the horns of a dilemma.  A former navy seal who never lost his sense of adventure, George spent most weekends with Melissa before the custody change, skydiving, sailing and taking long bike rides.  He was falling in love with her, and as much as he enjoyed the girls, he resented the family activities taking precedence over his usual adult thrills. George just didn’t want to be tethered to family life anymore. He explained to Melissa that, while it probably sounded selfish, if he didn’t honor his needs, he would come to resent her and her kids.  Hearing his crystal clear expression made it easy for her to agree that he was not the right man for her.  It made it so much easier for her to let go.

7. Avoid saying these three words ‘Let’s be friends’ when you end a romantic relationship.  It is too tempting to view the other person as a cushy resource when things go wrong in your dating life.  To start fresh, you need to review why things didn’t work out and move on.  Otherwise, you risk getting back together—isn’t an old shoe always more comfortable at first than a new one?—and setting yourself up for an inevitable second breakup.

8. Finally, spend some time doing things you didn’t or couldn’t do when you were in your relationship.  She would never try rollerblading with you?  Take some lessons in the nearest park.  He hated museums?  Spend the next few Saturdays exploring the Impressionist wing.

Like every relationship, the one you have with yourself needs nurturing to be healthy. And once you are right with yourself, and having a good time without depending on anybody else, you are infinitely more attractive to the outside world, should you decide to start dating someone new.

Remember, every door that closes, brings you closer to opening a new door.  But you can’t enter that new door with your foot still planted in the old one.

Happy Dating!

- Kathy Schwadel

Check out last month's Date Smart Article!

TIPS: 5 Great First Dates
You meet for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and decide you’d like to see each other again.  Make your first real date something fun that will allow you a chance to really get to know one another.  You can keep the price down, not to mention, avoid being seduced by alcohol and romantic atmospheres, if you avoid dinners in the beginning. 

1. Go Bowling or hit a bucket of balls at a golf range.   There’s plenty of time to chat and depending on your skill—or lack thereof, plenty of reasons to laugh. 
2. Get Creative.  Bring your date to a ‘paint your own pottery’ store.
3. Try a comedy club and discover that you share the same sense of humor.
4. Mini golf and amusement parks are fabulous for reducing first date tensions. In fact, psycholgists say that shared terror (roller coaster, anyone?) can bond people.
5. Suggest a gallery or museum, if that’s your passion; after all, it’s something you’ll eventually want to share

…and isn’t that the point?  Great first dates are about sharing who you are, learning about your new friend and doing so in an atmosphere that is low key.  When you feel relaxed, you are much more forthcoming.  So think what you enjoyed doing as a child—or figure out what makes the big kid in you smile—and suggest doing it together.

How 110 Women Made the First Move to Capture the Men of their Dreams
A 256-page book with the true stories of single, divorced and widowed women who made a clever, funny or subtle FIRST MOVE and found lasting relationships. Order your copy at www.grabyourtiger.com

Read an excerpt

Ask Kathy

Q. How do I ask a guy out? I met a man in a business seminar last week. I've been widowed since 2005 and have gone on a few dates in that time.  Each time the guy did the asking. I'm 40 and people say I’m attractive, but I'm also insecure and terrified to ask men out. We did flirt and seemed to connect during this meeting. But that was it. Help!

A. If you can get his number, why not call to comment on something astute or smartly humorous he said in the business meeting? After he soaks up the ego stroke, add that you would love to further pick his brain over coffee if he has the time. Whether he sees through your ruse or not, I will bet that he'll instantly write you into his date book.
Once you get together, you'll be able to figure out whether or not he likes you -- or just likes you liking him -- by how interested he seems in your life. For example, does he compliment you on your appearance, ask "casual" questions to determine whether you're available for romance, wonder what kinds of activities you enjoy in your spare time? Or is his eagerness at seeing you centered primarily on acting the professional mentor?
Even if this date turns out to be all she wrote, revel in the fact that you showed initiative and grabbed the tiger by the tail. You already know you're attractive; to glean the knowledge that you have the confidence to make the first move will be a giant step toward overcoming your insecurity.

Q. Every time I see my ex girlfriend—she lives in the same town as me—I think back to when we were together and it takes me days to get her out of my mind.  Even though I broke up with her because she wanted marriage and I wasn’t ready, I’m wondering if maybe I was a little too rash.  We met several months after my divorce was final and we dated for one year.  She’s 36 and never married and I’m a divorced father, 38, with one daughter, age 4, who I take care of.  My mom and sis help me raise her, but it’s no picnic being alone.  I’ve been dating in the few months we’ve been apart, but no one comes close to her.  She’s told her best friend that she misses me. I’m thinking of giving the relationship another chance.   What do you think?

A. I’m struck by the fact you never mention that you love this woman yet you do make a point of saying that ‘it’s no picnic being alone.’  Make sure you’re simply not lonely and miss having someone in your life.  Before you think about contacting your ex again, give your reasons for missing her some serious thought—you don’t want to bring her back into your daughter’s (or your) life prematurely.   You broke up with her, you say, because she wanted a commitment you didn’t want to make. Was that the real reason you left? Now that time has passed, has your position changed?   A few months is not a long time to meet someone new, but then again, you don’t want to lose someone wonderful because the timing wasn’t right.  Let your heart lead you, but for your daughter’s sake, wait to include your little girl in your activities.  There will be plenty of time for that, if, and when, you decide this woman’s the one.