Online Dating Safety Tips

A Smart Dater

Unfortunately, not everyone who responds to your profile is single and available. To weed out people in committed relationships, like marriage, watch for these red flags:

1. No picture.  They prefer to email their photo to you directly, because they don’t want friends and family members to spot them.  They tell you they want to keep a low profile for business reasons.
2. They’ll call at erratic times, late at night, early in the morning, when their spouse is asleep, and chalk it up to work pressures.
3. No home number.  Only a cell.  Then, when you call, you rarely get a live voice.  Plus, it takes a while to get a return phone call.
4. Isolation.  They won’t introduce you to family or friends, even after you’ve been dating a while.
5. They always suggest meeting at your place with excuses like “My place is a mess” or “I have a roommate.”

Let your instincts—and your experiences—guide you

Practical Ways to Keep Online Dating Safe and Fun

Perched in front of your computer with a mug of hot cocoa, you realize the person you’ve been waiting a lifetime for could be a mere click away.  And you don’t have to comb your hair or get out of your pajamas!  Fun.  Simple.  What’s not to love about online dating?  But is the ease and instant gratification causing you to let your guard down?

No matter how wonderful a profile appears, you’d be wise to remember that you still know nothing about the individual behind it.  Enjoy--but protect yourself by taking some common sense steps.

1.  Don’t use your personal email account to correspond.  Set up a separate email account (you can get one, free of charge, from Hotmail.com or Yahoo.com) and use it exclusively for your online dating activities.  Do not use your last name in the screen name you select for this account; your identity is yours to share when you feel comfortable, and this should also extend to specifics about where you live and work.

2.  Keep your phone number private.  As your comfort level increases, you’ll want to move from email to phone.  If you have a private, unpublished number, great.  If not, block your number, if you’re calling from your home or office: Press *67, wait for the beeps, then dial; this will keep your number from showing up on his or her caller ID.  You can also purchase a phone card and at a nominal cost (as low as 2.5cents/minute at places like Costco), to keep your digits hidden.  Since your home or business phone number can be plugged into one of the numerous internet reverse directories to reveal your name and address, you don’t want to display it until you are comfortable.

3.  Speak on the phone before you meet.  You get a different sense from a phone call than you do from email. Is the person upbeat, tentative, lethargic?   You’ll pick up the nuances that can never be captured in writing, detect if there’s chemistry—is there an energy and flow to your conversations or are they stilted and awkward?—even how the person handles phone interruptions, can tell you a lot.  If someone is unwilling to speak by phone, it should be a red flag.

4.  Be on the lookout for inconsistencies.   Our natural tendency, when meeting someone new, is to be pleasant and unguarded.  When communicating via email, Instant Message or phone, you want to pay attention to any inconsistent information regarding age, marital status, graduation dates, employment, etc.  You also want to be aware of questions you pose that go unanswered. People who are shading the truth will slip up at some point, so hang onto those emails and review them if something seems amiss.

5. No photo? If someone refuses to provide a recent photo, it could be they don’t have available. Or it could be that they have something to hide. Politely request one before continuing. Data show that people who share more than one picture are reported to look more like their photos, than people who share only one.  If your dating site allows for one picture, suggest exchanging more with this person via email or regular mail, so you each have a greater comfort level.  For safety’s sake, never post or share pictures of your children.  There’s time for that much later.

6.  Honeymoon phase.  It’s human nature to be on good behavior when you first meet.  If someone makes a demeaning or inappropriate remark, things will only get worse down the line.  While email is a medium that can lend itself to misinterpretation, if your gut tells you a comment is sarcastic or hostile, move on.

7.  Go at your own pace.  Instant messages and emails deliver so much information in such a short period, they give us the false illusion that we really know someone.  Without a basis in reality, we unwittingly begin to trust. Take it slow.  Psychologists say you need to spend at least six months getting to know someone in the real world before you can get a sense of their character, and that’s because actions, (especially when we’re caught off guard), not words, are the true measure of who we are.  In this early phase, you really know very little, but you can depend on your instincts.  Let them lead you and don’t let yourself be pressured into meeting someone with whom you are not comfortable.  Sometimes, a little more time is all it takes; if not, don’t worry about offending the person, and don’t get into specifics of why it’s not working for you. You’re not looking to be convinced otherwise.  State that this isn’t what you’re seeking, wish him or her the best of luck, and go pour yourself another cup of cocoa.

Remember, no matter how relaxed someone makes you feel, no matter how much you think you know them from their emails, there is no substitute for time spent together in the real world. Have fun, but keep in mind that this individual is a stranger, until time and circumstances prove otherwise.

Have you heard about ‘Sweetheart Scams’?

Online thieves have discovered a lonely heart is a vulnerable one, and are making dating sites their new playgrounds.  Some will court you, to win your affection and trust, sending teddy bears, flowers and gifts over a period of months; since they have multiple scams going at once, they can take their time to win you over, lulling you into a false sense of security.  Others will come on strong right away, calling you first thing in the morning and last thing at night, declaring they’ve never felt such a strong connection.  Both prey on your sense of hopefulness, usually live far away, and once they’ve got you emotionally hooked, they go in for the kill.  They refuse to put off meeting you another minute longer and pretend to show good faith by telling you they tried to purchase a plane ticket but their card was turned down—must be that private nurse they had to get last week when their child was hospitalized—or some such heart-tugging story, that put them over their credit limit.  Can you lend them a few hundred dollars?  They’ll pick up the rest and pay you back in two weeks.  Not wanting to appear untrusting, you figure, hey, if he (or she) is paying half, this can’t be a scam, so you do it.  They cash your check and that’s the last you hear of them.

Hold onto your money or you may find yourself losing more than your heart.